Dear Annie: My elderly mother bought a house on the West Coast to be near my brother and me after my father passed away a few years ago. He always relied on his father to handle finances and major life decisions, so it was a difficult change for him to take on this responsibility himself. Although he bought a new house 18 months ago, he is still living in his old home on the East Coast, which he was unable to sell due to my sister’s severe hoarding problem. .
My older brother, who lived with him, has undiagnosed mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. He can’t work hard, so he spent many years living with my parents. My brother has no idea about his problem with raising money and he doesn’t believe in medicine (that is, he believes that treatment and medicine are part of a grand government scheme), so there is no hope that he will get the help he needs, even if we try to help him. force him.
For years, my mother has been asking him to move his things out of his East Coast house, but he has never done so. His mental illness, lack of money and inability to plan for the future, all made him refuse.
Meanwhile, Mom pays property taxes on both homes and a mortgage on an empty house on the West Coast, unable to sell her current home. I have tried to help by researching landlord laws, talking to lawyers and even paying for a removal service, but nothing has changed. After said investigation, the only solution seems to be to evict my older brother from the house so that he can have legal authority to remove his belongings; he was already more than half way through this, which resulted in the hoard team leaving on the first day out of concern for the safety of their staff and my suffering elder brother. big.
My mother and sister have a toxic, self-centered relationship. He often talks about killing himself whenever she pushes him to move or clean, which causes him to throw up every now and then. He is unable to set firm boundaries that prioritize his well-being, and keeps saying, “There is nowhere for him to go.” It is clear that he will not leave voluntarily, and the two of them continue to live in misery, unable to move on.
I had to isolate myself emotionally because the condition was worsening my mental health, despite my efforts to help. I encouraged my mother to go to the doctor, and eventually she did. He is learning about boundaries, but I worry that it will be a long time before he can use that skill. Her beautiful new home sits empty, and she’s still stuck in a financial and emotional bind.
Is there anything else I can do to help him? Any advice for moms? I feel sad that he might not be able to make it here, and I don’t know what to do next. — Desperate daughter
Dear Desperate: You have done everything in your power to help your mother through this incredibly difficult situation. Unfortunately, it’s up to him to set boundaries with his brother and make the necessary moves to get to his West Coast home.
I wish I could deal with this in peace, but with your brother’s mental health issues preventing him from getting the help he needs, getting fired just looks like him.
I commend your mother for entering treatment, and I believe that although it may take time, she will find the tools she needs to take action in her life. Maybe with the help of her doctor, your mother can find a way to find your brother mentally, especially if as you said, he has been thinking about harming himself. One thing is for sure — this impasse cannot continue.
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